You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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