Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
