the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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