I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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