just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
