Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
