don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Someone shattered a urinal.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
