At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
