oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
