I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
