just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
