M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
