my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
