toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
