I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
