when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
