He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
