She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
