goodnight i made you a song goodbye
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
