Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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