First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
