Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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