apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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