Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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