Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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