my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
