All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
