Well apparently he's into motor boating.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
