The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
