I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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