my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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