I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
