You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
