Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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