:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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