I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
