I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just gift wrapped bread.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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