She went from zero to smokin in five shots
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
