I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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