After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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