Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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