1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you traded sex for a burrito?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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