apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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