im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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