if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
