I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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