i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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