Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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