mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
