You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
