On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
