What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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