I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I believe in your delicious
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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