I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
